I must be quiet.
Matt Wright stopped by the coffee shop last night. His car kept running as little Jacob slept in the back-seat... he's getting so big. Beautiful.
I really wish I could step into a dream world, with guitar in hand and a sullen, but hauntingly beautiful voice. I can't express myself with words anymore...
and, I want to be happy. I want to skip through the high flowers, through the creek and down the trail. I want my heart to soar again. I want it to be okay. I want to be young, like little Jacob...
and, I want to sleep a full night again. I'm tired of being up late, thinking, writing, feeling wrong. I want to sleep, like I did as a child. I want to wrap myself under a number of heavy blankets, safe from the ghosts hiding in the closet.
and, I don't want to be the exact child I was. I don't want to carry this feeling of loneliness anymore. I want to feel connected to people... I want to trust the words, "I love you." I've tried... I've trusted those words before, only to be crushed. Perhaps, I expect (or, want) too much?
but, people lie. Why the fuck do I have to be so honest? Why does my conscience beat me down and make me confess every bent truth, every piece of information withheld, every white lie? It would be so much easier if I could stand behind a wall too... but, I can't. Every embarrassing fault I have I relinquish... exposed... over, and over again. And, the world remains silent. In a world of secrets, I am naked.
Everything I trust... everything that brings joy into my world... everything that I do to bring happiness comes from solitude.
I think most people have a sense of belonging with a community, whether it be family, friends, God(s), lovers... I have only myself. And, that self, I no longer trust. I have allowed that self to feel something non-existent. I stepped into a world that did not exist, and now I can't stop falling. I've created my own insanity. This world is dark.
And, I am stranded on a bed with no covers.