Kazatasupa (kazatasupa) wrote,

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It's been a while. I haven't had much to say, which is not to say that I have had anything to say previously. I just haven't felt like writing. I'm sitting here, at my work desk, drinking cold coffee (four shots of espresso in a 16 oz cup topped off with Kenya AA - Medium roast), wondering how I can get so fucking depressed. Something is wrong. I'm out of shape, emotionally and physically. I need to see a psychiatrist who, instead of putting me on a couch, makes me step onto a stair master. I've been obsessed with an inner conflict concerning the material, non-material and authenticity. This isn't a Cartesian problem of mind/body dualism, but a social problem. I wonder how, or if, the social phenomena of popular influence interferes with my goal of being aesthetically independent. I've been hung up on this search for independence in a dependent world. It's maddening, really... and perhaps I should let it go. My fear of being abandoned by the moving parts of society has left me wanting to abandon society. How rational is that? Fear is a funny thing... it's like looking at an empty glass, and finding yourself afraid of the water that isn't there. I should focus less on culture and more on conquering that which builds my mental/emotional blocks. I shouldn't mind the influence others have on me... it's not like I am being led by sheep. Influence isn't in and of itself a bad thing... it's a necessary stimuli to creativity. Okay... enough. I'm going hiking alone. It's too bad the pioneers of Utah drove the local population of Grizzly Bears to extinction. Old Ephriam, the last Grizzly of Utah, was killed in 1924 (I believe). I wouldn't mind a dance in the woods... I wouldn't mind that at all.
Tags: abandonment, coffee, depression, hiking, old ephriam
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