These notes are mostly for me, so I know where to return when I have time to continue my project. I’m also tagging them as I go, so my entries are easier to search. Much of what is posted here is embarrassing to me now. I was shy growing up and didn’t start dating until my 20’s. My first “real” kiss wasn’t until I was nearly 21 and I lost my virginity a couple of years later. I fell in love for the first time with her, but I didn’t appreciate that relationship until it was long over. I’m still friends with Amanda – though distantly. We’re connected via Twitter and Instagram. Of the women I dated, she’s the one who owns the softest spot in my heart (other than my wife, of course!). I felt like I needed to make up for being a “late bloomer” while we dated, and was in a hurry to move onto other relationships. It’s interesting that I didn’t write much about her in this journal, as she and I were always “on and off” in that era. She definitely deserves a place here as well as in my heart.
Laryn was the first girl who broke my heart. There would be others, but she was the most difficult to overcome. In going through these posts, my perspective on that relationship has changed a great deal than that of my memory. She was always in the background, cheering me on through anonymous comments. She was more of a friend to me than my writings here portray her as. A lot of the things she used to say to me like, “choose to be happy,” would drive me crazy back then, but are mantras for life that I use every day now. She played an enormous role in the person I try to be today. She was an angel.
So, why am I making this journal public after years of being private or friends only? I am an older first-time father. I’ll be 45 in May and my son just turned 1 earlier this month. “Time is fleeting, and I don’t know how much of it any of has left in this life (to borrow a line I wrote in an email to my biological mother).” There aren’t any promises of longevity and I want my son to have a record of my life should something happen to me while he is young. I want him to see that my life was beautiful despite the bumps in the road along the way; that he might have someone to relate to if he falls on hard times during his life. I want him to know that even the darkest, coldest winters soon turn to the warmth of spring.