Kazatasupa (kazatasupa) wrote,

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It has been a long day. My throat is dry, I've been drinking coffee since nine this morning, and my urine is haunting me with ungodly dark colors. My friends think I am on the cusp of a great insanity (or are they joking?). And, I feel strangely fine (or is that numb?). I want to tell people that I love them. but I can't. I've used "the word" too liberally in my life. I want it to mean something special. The problem is that I do love most people. It is just that there are people with whom I am in love. It is a strange distinction, but I believe that "in" is all the distinction I need. It is the strangeness that allows a deeper appreciation for the beauty within an individual. I want to step inside of some people, to share every vulnerability I have, to show them that my heart is pure. I am not perfect, but I want to be (whatever that means). I can't explain exactly what it is that draws me into a person. However, I find myself there: Drawn in, in love. I know that I am in love with at least one person. It isn't sexual, it's family. I have thought, for the last few months, that I am in love with someone else as well. I have terrible, paralyzing fears that disable my ability to think rationally and coherently about sincere relationships, and it has often times been impossible for me to let others in. I have spent my whole life, feeling alone and outside. I am tired from running. I am exhausted. There is so much beauty out there. I want to step inside. I want to be vulnerable. I want to be in love.
Tags: love
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