Kazatasupa (kazatasupa) wrote,

what follows below is a private post. you're the only person, other than myself who can read this. i'm not looking for a reply, because i'm pretty sure i know how you feel. i also think you'll be a bit annoyed by this, but it's something i need to express. as for the theme, there are a lot of things i have left out, mostly because i have forced myself to write this as a means to finding a peace of mind and wasn't really prepaired to list everything i have thought of, or all of the conclusions i have come to. if you choose to read this, i would suggest that you follow the two links i have used... they will illustrate some of the influences on my thinking. please, keep in mind, that the intention of this post is really for me... and the things i want you to know.

it happened, there is nothing i can do about that. i wouldn't change a thing, because i cannot. i've taken the experience on the chin and i'm still standing, only now, instead of shock, denial, or depression, i am angry. this is good, siv tells me... and it is, i know it is. i'm angry, but not vengeful. i'm angry, but not hateful. i'm angry, but not resentful. siv was kind enough to post the stages of grief for me and the insight i've gained has empowered me. i no longer feel weak, stupid, fucked up, wrong, or worthless. i am justified in feeling the way i have. i am angry because so many things have hurt me:

i thought it was okay that i was not mormon. i asked, and was told that it was okay... it wasn't

i thought it was understood that i would not be involved if there wasn't room to continually move foreward. we were laying on the floor, when i was asked to define how i felt about the relationship. i did. i would not have been involved if i would have known that this is how it would have ended.

i said that i felt guilty about being intimate and was, and still am.

in trying to secure where i stood with her, i would confess how i felt, and she would answer with a sweet smile, "that's so good." it wasn't good.

i thought she was having a difficult time, she didn't let me know that it was because of me. my ignorence has left me feeling like an enormous asshole.

when her answering machine said, "if you're not family, then i don't want to talk to you anyway," and i didn't think that message was for me, but it is obvious now that it was.

my heart died when whe said that, had we not been intimate, she would have ended it earlier.

my heart died when she said, "it doesn't even feel like we've been dating"

i asked her if it was just religion, which i had a hard time believing, she said it was. then, told joc that it was like dating in highschool, and that she had just lost interest in me.

when she said that she wished i would just get over it and be happy, like she was. this, coming only a week and a half after i was informed that she wouldn't be seeing me anymore. a week and a half after she wrote a letter that said, "i love you more than you'll ever know." that comment made feel stupid and really fucked up... i felt like crying, and did (later). it was then that i realized that my investment was built on a false premise, for she did not love me, but loved me (as in action, not noun - which is what i was looking for - and believed she meant when she used the word).

she tells tiny lies, with little regard for their effect. i notice things... and you can only cry wolf so many times before trust fades into nothing.

she told me that she wasn't going anywhere, that she would still be here for me, then wasn't

she told me that she liked our relationship "undefined," which only means that she wants me to be something she can use when needed, but that i have no access when i need someone.

numerous times she told me that she'd call me, then didn't.

she avoided me, even to go so far as to retrieve her vacuum cleaner when she knew i wouldn't be home. this made me feel excessively dirty and worthless.

when she thought it was funny that i, of all people, was giving edric relationship advice. when my advice has always been, be honest with yourself and the people you are involved with.

when she wrote that i was not over nicole, and that if i disagreed, she would have to say, "b.s." under my definition of "being over someone," i have been over nicole for a long time.

when she labled me egotistical and vain.

when she say's you choose to feel a certain way and do. but, my investment limits my ability to choose, but instead requires that i grieve. (read here to understand this point)

when she gets giddy over another guy, and i can't even have real interest in another person because my heart hurts so much.

i'm also angry at myself: i'm angry because i allowed myself to fall into something that was obviously dangerous from the beginning. i'm angry because i knew i was taking a huge risk, and did. i'm angry because i expected to much of her. i'm angry because i either hurt her, or made her life uncomfortable. i'm angry because i thought that she loved me the way i loved her. i'm angry because i can't avoid feeling that she is infinately beautiful... that there are still times when i am absolutely melted by her. i'm angry because i'm so sensative, and am tired of taking everything so hard. i am angry because this has bothered me so much that i have developed fits of insomnia. i'm angry because on three different occasions i had convinced myself that death would be preferable to the suffering i was going through. i'm angry because i'm tired of feeling this way.

having written all that, this must be said:

i would change things if i could, however "dreams were never made in my bed, " (shamelessly ripped off from the chris cornell song, "seasons"). going forward; i would have chosen to not get involved, to not be intimate, or to not have trusted that i could invest real emotion. those are decisions i could have made in order to protect myself from what has happened. otherwise, i have felt more hopeless than i have ever felt in my life. i've had no control over what has happened. i fell in love, have been burned, and am haunted by that every day. there's really nothing else to say: it's happened.

so, i'm angry instead of in shock, denial, or depression. hopefully the cycle, which is normal when people grieve, wont repeat itself. i am hopeful that this is it.. and am not sure if that's a choice i can make, or if it' something that just happens. psychologists would be better people to answer that question than i. but, it feels good to have moved out of depression - where everything that hurt was torture - and hatred of myself motivated me to do nothing but suffer.

all of this is very personal.

i still think she is an amazing person, and outside of the emotional me, i like her as very, very much. and, choose to continue to do so.
Tags: letter to layrn
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