Kazatasupa (kazatasupa) wrote,

I delete so much here... so, little ever gets posted.

This is the first journal I've kept. There was that one I had in Jr. High School. I wrote about wanting to slowly work my hand up Jennifer Spencer's thigh. The image, and desire was so vivid at the time that I can still smell and feel the essential textural parts of that fantasy. Of course, the confidence and self-worth needed to project myself into actual intimate situations didn't occur until much, much later (early twenties). I was a very shy kid. That journal was fuel for our stove when I found out that my brother had snuck into my room and read it. At the time, I was ashamed of my desire to be a sensual being. I was embarrassed at the fact that my brother had accessed my deepest, most intimate thoughts and could make critical judgments in evaluating my worth as a person. I was very insecure...

Now, in contrast, I put many of my most intimate thoughts online for people (including my brother) to read. I delete a lot of works because I find my unconscious thought patterns working off bullshit in order to pacify my emotional and mental palates. I'm not one to rest easy on bullshit, but this journal has created an level of alertness that I have never experienced. There is a lot of mental bullshit being tossed about in this head and it is difficult work to sort through what is real, what is not, and what can be dealt with. One thing is certain: I am more aware and honest with myself now than I have been at any point in my life and I am only going to become more so.
Tags: insecurities, journaling
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