Fuck people. And, Michael Stipe was right, "Everybody Hurts, sometimes...." I thought about deleting some journal entries, only because I don't want to cause any grief (there are people who read this damn thing). A public journal, such as this one (which you the reader has access), can be super damaging, both to me and those people whom I may write about. I've waivered on how I should use it... because I think it is a dangerous form of media. It's not private; I'm exposed, and so too are the people I care most about.
I'm an interesting person, because I don't behave in any conventional manner. I give people a lot of space to be themselves. I try not to impose my will on others, although it happens and, when it does I feel like a super asshole. I don't impose my will on people intentionally... sometimes it happens because my will is misinterpreted. This causes me a lot of grief, and I am not sure how to rectify what I percieve as a problem. An example would be yesterday, when I was running with a joke about how important it was that I had coffee at a specific time so I wouldn't suffer a caffiene crash before I was able to get off work. I was making a self-depreciating comment on how dependent I can be. I am fully aware of how flawed I am when it comes to needing substance, or support. It's not, however, something I wish to correct (and this being beside the point, but if I drink to much liquor it is only because I want that need... I crave it, because it responds to me). To the point, my joke backfired on me. Because the situation called for someone working longer than they desired in order that I got my coffee when I "needed" it, I was called out as someone who is "all about me." At first, I thought the words were a joke, and I agreed, "yes, it is all about me." Then the cold eyes fired while brazen words cut, "then, there you go." Stunned, I slipped into my desk and sat still, looking at nothing in particular. It was too late to clarify that I was joking and that I did not want that person to stay later in order to satisfy my desire to have coffee at a specific time. That would be ludicrus, and I would despise any action that would be that willfully manipulative. I felt like crying, and carried that feeling with me until this morning. Right now, as I work through what happened, I'm not sure how I feel... I'm releasing the tension.
The person whose presense precipitated the joke is passive.
The person who labeled me selfish is not.
The second said person may have been compelled, under the circumstances, to impose her will in order to have first said person's will satisfied. The problem being that my will was misidentified and my feelings hurt, not by the misunderstanding, with which I have seperate but very serious issues, but by the method used to confront me. I think the intention of the action was to hurt my feelings.
But, maybe... that's just what I want to think. I simply do not know.